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xscarletxtearx

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[16 Jan 2006|06:47pm]
i aim to be your eyes.
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[05 Jan 2006|11:02pm]
oh we're never gonna survive
unless we get a little crazy
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[03 Jan 2006|03:34am]
hope dies
faith fades
and sometimes
its hard
to believe
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i will always be chasing a ghost of a good thing. [03 Jan 2006|01:43am]
Once again another year has passed, a few more scars were made and a few more tears were shed. For the best? For the worst? Who am I to say? I guess only time will tell. This year I'm not going to sit here and recap my year. I'm not going to talk about all the things that hurt me or made me into what I believe I am today. Instead I feel like it's time to talk about what I learned and how I can change the things that havent been sitting right in my mind. There is only so long you can put something on a shelf and ignore it. There is only so long you can let things go with out speaking up and only so long you can hold hate in your heart. It drags you down...holds on to you with out letting you gasp for air and there is only so long until you have no other choice but to let go... forget... and start over...all over.

As always each year brings change, new experiences and new friends and in the end it always ends the same. The people that have been there for me through out the years are still there, the new friends have mostly disappeared except for maybe one or two. I always have people who care, people who want to help and ways to better myself and still there is something missing, something that has been missing for a long time and I find myself still searching for it, not even knowing what the hell I'm looking for to begin with. Life.. eh, it's an interesting thing.

If nothing else this year was filled with learning experiences. Gosh have I learned a lot. Do I feel like a better person? No, not really but I feel a little less nieve then last year. I always say that to and isnt it funny how I still end up being nieve all over again.

I want things to be different this year. I want to be on my own... I want to heal from these past two years the right way. I dont want to push it aside like I have for so long. Peice by peice, step by step I will get there. I always do. It just takes time and like an old friend once said... "time sucks". Ha, so true.


Here's to 2006, who knows what the hell this year with bring.... I just hope that it brings me a little closer to whatever Im still looking for.


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i will always be chasing a ghost of a good thing.
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we'll all float on. [21 Dec 2005|03:04am]
I don’t even know where to begin because as always things are forever changing in my life. Maybe it is because I’m unstable. Maybe it is because I’m never constant and maybe everything that is said about me is true. You never know. It could be because I’m always confused and I never let myself get too comfortable but no, your probably all right. This is me, forever changing. Either way things are still changing in my life and will continue to do so.

So what has been happening lately? I guess I will start with my social life because that is what everyone expects my priority to be. I’ve learned that promises are made to be broken and I’ve learned that when something is broken from the beginning it can never be fixed. We can all try over and over again to rekindle our friendships but the damage that was done can never be forgotten and the scars that we formed will never fade enough for us to stop looking in the past.
“These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been”

Not only have things recently gone sour in my social life but they have also fallen apart at home. My mother didn’t technically kick me out this time. This time is a little different from all the other times. I don’t really know how it all started but I know how it ended. I wonder sometimes why I got stuck with this shit. I know that life could be worse, I swear I do but sometimes I just think I don’t deserve this shit. Most of the people who read this journal have read this journal from quite sometime and have heard me talk about things that go on at home and have seen me write that I am fed up with her shit but this time I mean it. I need to do what’s right for me. I’m not her mother, she’s mine and it will never actually be that way.

I really am fed up this time. I need somewhere where I know I can come home and be safe. I don’t want to hear that im not going anywhere in life and I certainly am done hearing broken promises. It gets old. It has gotten old. Everything has. Its been one too many tears, one too many screams and one too many pieces of hope broken.

Right now I am staying at Charlie’s. I don’t plan on being here long but I do plan on being here long enough to get my life together the right way. I really hope I follow through. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough sometimes. I really just want to give up a lot of the time but there is always something there that keeps me hanging on for another round. I don’t know if this will work out but I’m hoping for the best…as always. Even though I am hoping for the best I still have doubts because I am inconsistent, but can you blame me? When was the last time I had something constant in my life? Eh, I don’t know, I guess certain things aren’t even worth trying to explain or write about.

I’m really grateful that Charlie and his dad let me into their house so willingly but I’m still not happy. It has nothing to do with where I am or who I’m staying with, its just… Ive done this all before. It’s the same shit in a different location. History just seems to repeat its self all the time. What’s the point of it all? Get comfortable just to be put in a new location yet again? It doesn’t make sense. I hate depending on people, I really do. I hate needing people. I want to be able to handle things on my own but I just cant.
“No matter where you are you will never be happy”
heh.



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I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on
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i smell change. [15 Dec 2005|03:37pm]
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway
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And I have honored your request for silence..... [04 Dec 2005|07:04am]
I’ve been awake for sometime now. It’s snowing out, absolutely beautiful if you ask me. I can’t sleep, I just want to sit and watch the snow. I don’t know…

Things have been pretty good lately. I’ve gone through a slight depression since thanksgiving but I’m trying to lift myself out of it. My friends have been helping with that and I’m very thankful for that. Speaking of friends, I'm friends with Jerry and Kara again. I hang out with Charlie, Kara, Mike and Jerry almost everyday. I love them so much. I'm really happy to have Kara and Jerry back in my life. We have such a good time together (as you can see in my last post).

Last night we went to a bar in Sayville for Adams birthday. We ended up getting told we had to leave but it was fun anyway. Charlie and I ended up at Emily’s house and it was a pretty good time. We left pretty early though because I was really tired. Last night was my first night out since I’ve been sick as well so I needed to be home early.

Ive been thinking....I don’t know why I don’t write anymore. I feel like I used to be dedicated to this Journal but not anymore. I guess now that I’m in college there is just too much bullshit and not enough time to sit down and write down my feelings. I have been sketching a little though. I’ve showed a few of them to a few people but for the most part I’ve been sketching for myself and for my own piece of mind. (During my little depression, I had a lot I wanted/ needed to put on to paper)



Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
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this is whats been up [01 Dec 2005|11:40pm]
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[24 Nov 2005|05:42pm]
Cause At Once Upon A Time It Was You I Adored
You Disappeared And Left Me Here
The Absence Of You Is Hurting My Soul
Didn't Know There Was An End Of The Road
It Was So Easy For You Just To Let It All Go
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[07 Nov 2005|07:37pm]
and all that she wanted was a good man...
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[31 Oct 2005|06:51am]
Time is passing, wounds are healing, and people are moving on… this is the way it should be. Some people have found their fate, found their true love and others are still searching. Some of us have found our true friends and others are realizing they need to move on.

I hope that when we all look back on this we don’t see the crimes but the good times. I hope that we can one day laugh and remember all that we learned from each other. I don’t regret a day from these times, I hold each moment close to my heart. I only hope that my once friends and once loves will do the same.

When your driving down the road alone, when your heart is beating so fast, when you don’t know where your going or what your doing, look back at all of this and smile and know that I am doing the same. No matter who I meet I will always end up being somewhere in between their smiles and regrets.

You live and you learn, you hurt people and you get hurt and even though you know the pain and the scars you are going to receive and cause your going to do it again and again. We all are.

What’s meant to be will be, you may never see me again, you may never hear my voice but you will have memories. You may run in to me one day, we may be friends, and maybe we haven’t learned all that we needed to. Time will tell.

Sometimes people from the past walk back in to our lives. Sometimes when you think it’s the end there is a whole new beginning waiting right around the corner. Spending time with pieces of my past these past few days, I have realized that the bad and painful memories will fade.

“The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again I’d make all the same mistakes - only sooner.”

You Are

A Silly Pumpkin Face

You would make good pumpkin taffy.



I haven’t done much of anything these past few days. It’s been the same thing everyday. I’ve gone to work and then chilled with Matt, Charlie and Kara for hours at a time. Kara always seems to pass out from smoking too much and Matt Charlie and I end up making fun of boys who take care of reign deer and such. Long story, but it makes sense when you smoke close to an ounce of weed in 2 days. Anyways it’s been a really fun time and I’m happy that Matt and Charlie are friends now. I think that we will be doing a lot more hanging out like this. Maybe every weekend after work :D

..burnt…

Besides spending hours with them I got to smoke with Susan and Sabrina. We saw my friend Joe on the side of the road the other day, picked him up and smoked with him as well. I haven’t seen him in the longest time. He actually lives in Brooklyn and he was just visiting for a night, so I’m glad I got to see him.

So it’s Halloween. What does this mean to me? Really nothing, it’s just a reason to drink this bottle of Jack I have sitting next to me with some friends. That’s what I plan on doing.

I have class until 9 tonight. I don’t have to be at school until 420 though, which makes me happy. I don’t know why I’m up so early, I really don’t. I have to be up at 8 to go to Charlie’s and finish a mid term, so I guess I might as well just stay awake. I want to go back to sleep but its time to start the day.

..burnt….


Midterm, school, drinking… not too stressful.

Happy Halloween.
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[01 Sep 2005|07:43am]
www.vetox.net/Katie

[16 Aug 2005|12:20am]
I can't be bothered with bullshit, so save it for someone who cares.
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mandy sent this to me..really think about it. [13 Aug 2005|04:15pm]
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrongwith them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
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[13 Aug 2005|11:20am]
sugar, we're not going down swingin'
we're just going down.
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[12 Aug 2005|01:39pm]
Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...delicious
Your hugs are...to die for
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...irresistable
Your smell is...refreshing
Your smile is...hypnotising
Your love is...one of a kind
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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[12 Aug 2005|12:54am]
I haven’t made a public update with any substance in it for quite sometime so I guess tonight I will. I really don’t have anything better to do.

I do the same thing almost every week. I go to work and then I see Mandy, Eliatt, Rich or Mike. I'm satisfied with the way I’ve been living even though some people may disagree. I’ve seen Sabrina a few times too but that’s only when her and El come to see me at work. Speaking of which, I really need to spend some time with her other then me being at work.

I was in a weird mood for a few days this past week. A lot of shit happened, shit that helped me sort through feelings and place them where they needed to be… where they belong. This past week was one of the few times when I didn’t tell one soul why I was upset. I worked through it myself. I wanted to ask advice, I wanted to spill my heart out but I knew I needed to work through it myself and I did. It feels good. I need to work out more things on my own. It makes me feel useful.

I haven’t been home at all lately. I can’t be with my mother for more then an hour with out wanting to slit her throat. I know that sounds terrible but you try living with that woman. Thank god for my car and my conscience.

Flippin’ Holler

I got to go to another pirate party which made me happy. Mandy got to come this time which was cool. I really like that her and Eliatt are friends now. The 3 of us had a sleep over last night too. Jen was there as well, but she passed out early. Rich left early too. Early meaning like 2am, Mandy, El and I stayed up until almost 5. I’ve been running on empty for a few days now.

Work, shower, friends, smoke and very little sleep, that’s how it goes.

Not bad for the summer but September is on its way and that means school is as well, Time to clean up and do what I have to do. I say that at the end of every summer, it makes me laugh. Maybe this year I will actually do it.

This summer has been very different then last summer. Not better and not worse, just different. I don’t really feel like it is summer this year, I think that’s cause I work 5 days a week and last summer I worked one or two days a week, if that. Work sucks; I can’t imagine working at any other place then at the beach doing nothing. If I had to work anywhere else I would kill myself. I have the easiest job on the planet but I hate waking up in the morning. I would sleep all day if I could. No joke. I also don’t have the beach house this year. That makes things a lot different. It’s just not summer with out it.

I have more to say but I want to go for a drive and still make it to sleep with more then 3 or 4 hours of sleep. There will be an update some time soon.





"some people fall in love
and others crash into it."
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[11 Aug 2005|01:01am]
I always said "Only say it if you mean it"



I mean it


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i love him.
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[10 Aug 2005|12:49pm]
People hold on to things for years. Maybe its a letter, a gift, a rock, a feeling or a person. But after enough time has passed its time to get rid of them, forget about them and move on.

so do it.
start over.
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its the small things in life that make me happy. [09 Aug 2005|01:26am]
I’m
Over tired
Irritable
Crazy

But I’m so happy at the same time that it’s all ok.
So thank you.
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